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7 things about Kelseys only 2015 kids will remember

2015 kids had the best nights out #memories

7 things about Kelseys only 2015 kids will remember

If you’re new to this game, you may have missed the exciting development  that Kelseys — a venerable pisshole whose main appeal is its lax attitude to licensing laws — has undergone a refurbishment.

It’s not a completely brilliant refurbishment (they’ve mainly just eradicated the plasterboard), and those of a nostalgic bent are going wet at the eyes.

Unfortunately, the ‘only 90s kids will remember’ moniker won’t work in this instance, but here are seven that only ‘2015 kids’ will remember. (whatever the fuck they are — ed.)

1. Funky Fruits

Top shelf spirits + Crusha milkshake flavouring + Lemonade. What could go wrong? Oh. Everything. Everything’s gone wrong.

2. The late-night jukebox

Africa, The Boys Are Back In Town, Sultans of Swing, and an entire Metallica album followed by some Craig David for good measure. Standard.

3. A constant feeling of being slightly sticky

Give the refurb time. The stickiness will come. It is tradition.

4. Walls

Picture a Kelseys with actual walls, and not exposed, unfinished brickwork.

Sorry, I mean “a rustic look”.

Definitely how it’s meant to be.

Definitely finished.


5. Glasses

Red solo cups? What it this, Animal House? Plastic pint glasses? If it ain’t warm from the “dishwasher”, I ain’t drinking from it.

6. No DJ

Remember when you could hear yourself think in Kelseys? Remember when you could have a nice chat with a local bloke called Darren at 2AM without the latest hit track from Calvin Boring blaring in your ear?
What a time to be alive.

7. Literally drowning in urine

Ah, who could forget Kelseys toilets.

Vomit in every available stall and urinal?


A random cube from the seating area?


Lock on the door?

That’s a no-go.

Wait, what do you mean they haven’t fixed the toilets yet?