Enthusiastic individual to begin campaign for 25 hour library
The university submitted to a thirty year campaign for a library that never closes. We can do better.
As students rejoice in the news that the library is to extend its opening hours to encompass all twenty-four of those sixty-minute globules that make a day, prospective sabb candidates have been plunged into deep thought as they lob their manifestos in the direction of waste paper bins.
Jennifer Eric, who began planning her presidential campaign last month, has formulated a novel solution to problem presented by the university’s crumbling submission to the thirty year campaign against library closing times.
“If I were elected as SU president, I would maximize your study time in the library, by campaigning for it to be open 25 hours a day,” her campaign literature informs us. “If you go and work for 25 hours in the library, when you leave, only 24 hours will have passed for everyone else.”
We asked her if she thought this was feasible.
“Well I lived with a physicist in first year, so I think it’s possible. We just need to strap rocket boosters to the existing library infrastructure, to ensure that it’s always moving at a relativistic speed. If we want it open 25/7, well about 30 per cent the speed of light should do it!”
We left her to her thoughts at this point.
History student Lyle Freund commented, “I’ll be voting for Jen. We’re the only top ten university in the UK which doesn’t actively warp space and time to help their students, which when you come to think about it is an absolute travesty.”
We also left Lyle to his thoughts.
Critics of the plan have suggested that to achieve the necessary speeds for the library’s new opening hours will probably require the expulsion from our solar system of the university house learning grid.