The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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University bus service ‘delayed due to opening of gates of hell’

The U1 bus from Leamington took yet another hit when a portal to the fiery pits of hell was discovered under the Parade during recent road resurfacing works.

University bus service ‘delayed due to opening of gates of hell’

The sudden influx of demons and napalm makes travel through the centre of Leamington, and therefore to campus, a very complicated affair.

“All I want is to get to my midday seminar for Global History of Pornography”, said hopeful second year student Ivanta Furst. “These cacodemons are making it so fucking inconvenient, I can’t believe Stagecoach has let this happen again. How have they not got this bus service right yet?”

Local business in Leamington has suffered as well, with many eateries resorting to serving the fallen angels that have surfaced from the rift just outside the Ben Satchwell.

One local Indian restaurant owner is less than pleased. “Sure, they love their spicy food, but they always bring their own beers. Stingy twats.”

We approached Stagecoach for a comment on the bus situation, and regional manager Richard Turnip had the following to say.

“While we’re doing all we can to resume normal service on the U1 and other local services, there’s not really much we can do. There’s a literal sulfurous inferno in Wagamama, I don’t give a twirly fuck if some student can’t get to their personal tutor meeting.”

The SU’s sabbatical team is doing all it can to resolve the travel crisis, with a petition for partial refunds on bus passes reaching nearly ten signatures. Stagecoach’s travel shop has seen far less complaints than expected however, possibly due to it now being constantly in flames.