The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Seven alternatives to the U1

That rarest of beasts, the elusive U1.

Seven alternatives to the U1

Some say they have glimpsed the face of eternity while riding it, particularly on a Thursday morning when the smell of regret and purple suffuses the air, condensing by the time you pass Tesco’s at the top of the Parade. Some claim to have never seen it at all. Either way, it’s probably the worst bus service in the midlands, nay, the world. Here are seven helpful, and not so helpful, alternatives


Leave your house. Get on your bike (if you don’t have a bike, this step will be difficult). Bike the alleged 8 miles to university. If you don’t exercise regularly, have a friend call an ambulance ready for your arrival.


Pedalo your way down the river Leam, you may end up on campus, how should I know. Added bonus of the danger of a deadly swan attack to spice things up.


Go to the physics department and steal the largest magnet you can find. Attach this to your person, stand by the parade and let Lady Luck fasten you to the first car that passes by. Attempt at your own risk.

Buy a DeLorean DMC-12

(That’s the car from Back to the Future, you cretin), then go back in time and maybe choose another university

Snail Chariot

Find a chariot. Capture thirty snails. By the time you’ve accomplished this, the U12 will probably have only just reached Kenilworth. Lash the snails to your chariot and be on your way. This may take a while so take snacks, and maybe some lettuce for your noble steeds.

Bus Pass

Take the two hundred and eighty-two sodding pounds you spent on a bus pass and buy a one-way plane to a new life, far, far away from here.


Harness the power of the old Gods and the new. Shut your eyes and will yourself into that floor four library seat. Open your eyes. You are probably still in your room in Leamington, but worry not. Winter is coming anyway.