The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Warwick promises ‘four new study spaces’ for 2019

Two or three, they tell us, may have plugs.

Warwick promises ‘four new study spaces’ for 2019

Plans to provide four new study desks by 2019 have been announced by the university, following twenty-five years of under-provision.

Between two and three of the spaces will be equipped with power sockets, though the university has not confirmed that all will be attached to mains voltage cabling. Most of the four new spaces will be located in a small caravan outside of the new multistory development adjacent to University House. The remainder of the building will be run as a research and development hub for Dichweave Inc, an industry specialist that focuses on maximising sweatshop efficiency through innovative financial solutions.

Students have long asked for adequate workspaces upon which to lay their notes, laptops, and dreams. Despite merely being in neighbouring counties, some have cited the “psychologically scarring” journey between the University and Leamington Spa as a reason for wanting more places to work on campus. We asked 6th year Faecal Sciences student, Dan Brown, for comment; to which he glaringly remarked “you are the Hoar. This is clearly this is a joke, as if I’d believe they’re building new workspaces, also, leave me alone, a toilet cubicle is a private place”.

Despite the confusion, the news was later confirmed by a spokesperson, saying that “[Warwick is] excited to announce the plans, we have responded to suggestions by students and are delighted to meet their demands. The changes will take place gradually over the next three years. Funding will be attained through a marginal reduction in fire safety, and the renaming of Heronbank to Lloydsbank”.

In a desperate bid to uncover further details, we scribbled an FOI request onto the back of a gin bottle and threw it at a secretary. Warwick management is yet to respond, yet we hear that Kathy is recovering well