Ark readied as fears grow that 2016 may end in ‘month of rains’

Flood authorities have issued reassurances that an ark will be ready by the end of November, amid fears that 2016 may end in a biblical flood.

Ark readied as fears grow that 2016 may end in ‘month of rains’

Working with the Home Office, the Environment Agency this morning acknowledged popular fears that current precipitation may precede a ‘month of rains’ that will culminate in a flood of ‘divine retribution’.

At a press conference this morning the Inter-Departmental Group on the Allegorical Flood (IDGAF) reassured journalists that the government’s emergency ark would be ready for use within two weeks.

“It’s a logical conclusion to an already quite shit year that the unknown deity should have decided to punish mankind,’ said Noah L’ Amechsen, spokesperson for IDGAF. “Our ark has capacity for a breeding pair from each species. We’ve approached Kim and Kanye to represent humankind, since they seem to be the most popular humans.”

Nothing to worry about then.