The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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Leamington Games Den patron ‘still hasn’t found love’

A man who visits the Leamington card and board games ‘den’ several times a week is surprised to find that he’s still single.

Leamington Games Den patron ‘still hasn’t found love’

xXxPuSsyPatR0Lx67X, born Norman Jones, attends game sessions at the Clemens Street establishment six nights a week in hope of meeting a young woman whose knowledge of vintage Ackdafrex Fluolynd Mod 12.7 matches his own.

A second year Maths student at the University of Warwick, Jones particularly enjoys Wednesday’s roleplaying theme at the Games Den.

“RPG let’s me forget about my mullet (which I know looks bad but keep because it hides the roll of fat at the back of my neck) and to briefly overcome that spot on my upper lip that makes me too scared to shave off this fluffy moustache thing,” said PatR0L when we intercepted him. “It’s an escape from a world I don’t feel fully equipped to face.” (Poor chap. Don’t be such an arsehole to him — Ed.)

Despite Jone’s touching self-awareness, the board game enthusiast has struggled to hook up at the Games Den. We asked him if had an idea why.

“I think it must be because I’ve never actually seen a girl in there. I don’t know why, but they don’t seem to enjoy advanced fantasy card games as much as me and the guys. Either that or the club rules ban then from entering.”

At the time of writing, Jones remained single and had developed — ironically — an even more voluminous sex offender moustache than he possessed during our initial interview. (Don’t be a shit. — Ed.)