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Purple found to increase human misery, study shows

Warwick’s psychology department has been studying purple for a decade and the results are… shocking.

Purple found to increase human misery, study shows

The drink known around Warwick as ‘purple’ (or ‘snakebite and black’ to normal people) has been shown in a recent study by Professor O L Rosie of the university’s psychology department to increase the overall level of misery experienced by a person.

‘Now I know what you’re thinking’, Professor Rosie said, ‘You think I’m talking about hangovers, don’t you? You’d be wrong. What I’m actually talking about is, immediately after the consumption of purple, the body releases a chemical called mitozuluwaria which kicks the brain’s misery receptors into overdrive.’

After doing ten years of hands-on research with the substance, including arduous rounds of testing on students, the professor has come to one final conclusion.

‘I mean, it just tastes like shit, doesn’t it?’