The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Weʼre raising £1,000 to volunteer to help those in need in Ibiza

I want to help youths who’re missing out on the sesh.

Weʼre raising £1,000 to volunteer to help those in need in Ibiza

In the summer of 2017 I plan on trekking to Ibiza to help the youths who are celebrating finishing school and are in grave danger of being neglected of a good ‘sesh’.

My trip itinerary looks as follows:

Day 1 Provide necessary drink to those in desperate need. A recent study revealed that youths in Ibiza are drinking on average for 11.3 hours a day, this means that on average youths are going 12.7 hours without a drink. Therefore, it is vital that I go out there and provide drinks to those most at risk of sobriety.

Day 2 Provide the necessary drugs to ensure youths don’t become ill with the common illness: notparticipatingintheseshinitus. As is widely known, drugs are incredibly expensive in Ibiza which means that many of its inhabitants (most of them students) can’t afford the necessary medication they need to survive in the tough conditions.

Day 3 & 4 On these days I will be building a nursery, because that’s what you’re supposed to do on these trips, right? The nursery that I build will enable any young parents or adults in their midlife crisis to still be able to go to Ibiza and have somewhere safe to leave their young one’s while they participate in activities.

Day 5 My last evening shall be spent in a nightclub toilet armed with bottles of fine aftershave. This will mean that I am able to to save the poor youths who are still using their cheap H&M aftershave that their aunty bought them for Christmas and who otherwise would not be able to attract their mate for the night.

Day 6 Rest and recovery day. Probably quad biking.

What your donation can provide:

  • £2 a bottled beer/J-Bomb/vodka mixer
  • £5 a kebab to save youths from starvation
  • £10 any necessary medication

All donations towards my expedition are greatly received and the youths you are helping shall be forever grateful.