The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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WFFE prolongs occupation following hummus delivery

“We were desperate, some had even taken to dipping their vegan cheese in leftover tzatziki”.

WFFE prolongs occupation following hummus delivery

Protesters demonstrating solidarity with teaching staff and all those victimised by the marketisation of higher education have been able to prolong their occupation of the Slate after a well-needed hummus delivery.

The delivery arrived just as the situation was beginning to get desperate; with soy chunks reduced to double figures, and avocado stocks entirely eliminated, some had even taken to dipping their vegan cheese in leftover tzatziki.

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-14-37-50Occupiers took to Google Docs to request a grocery delivery, in a publicly editable list that included ‘bread, Quorn products/soy chunks, spices, cheese/vegan cheese, milk, dips (not just hummus), crisps, nuts (spicy if poss), beer and wine’ (honestly — Ed). The list was deleted by vandals.

An airlift had been considered to surmount the blockade, however, a pannier full of Sainsburys Organic hummus was eventually smuggled in by a cyclist, after the first batch of Tesco own-brand hummus was rejected at the door.

“Sure I would have preferred tomato caviar,” added Cornelius Strutt de Tiffin, “if you could get a Celebration box of dips, hummus would be a Bounty, come the revolution, avocado-based vegan-friendly condiments will be on tap”.

When grilled as to what he meant by ‘the revolution’, he added, “I’m not too sure, something to do with Carl Mark, or Owen Jones”.

No nod was made to the irony of perpetuating high-end consumption of differences in line with a neoliberal political economy whilst simultaneously protesting against the encroachment of neoliberalism into the university management.

Meanwhile, the occupation continues with no sign of any drop in morale. Indeed an increase in protesters is considered likely following the passing of JP Morgan summer internship application deadlines.

Manifestations of solidarity have poured in from around the world, most notably by Vladimir Putin, who announced that he “supports their rejection of contemporary Western values” whilst adding that he himself is “a fan of hummus”.