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Articles about protesters eating hummus ‘the answer to Brexit’

Britain will sustain itself with the unique commodity only the Conservative party can deliver: Hoar articles about protesters eating hummus

Articles about protesters eating hummus ‘the answer to Brexit’

A beaming Theresa May announced to a raucous Commons early Wednesday the Brexit plan in full: having accidentally trash-canned the basis of our entire economic system for the last forty years, the Tories will reorient Britain around an endlessly renewable resource: articles about protesters, and how they like hummus.

The property of endless regeneration possessed by the hummus/protester article were identified by Conservative scientists back in the 1950s, when everything was better, but the major breakthrough has been the discovery that when gifted government support for living costs and entertainment, the average Tory student will, of his or her own volition, generate two to four articles per day about the eating habits of protesters, their choices of consumer electronics, or aggressively reflected anxieties about their job prospects.

The occupation of the Slate, now entering its second week, has ceased to be visible due to the sheer mountainous quantity of hummus being supplied and consumed. The vice chancellor, Stuart Croft, who hates hummus, is said to be furious. Dredging surplus chickpeas out of the lake adjacent to the building is expected to excuse traffic chaos on campus for the next three decades.

Speaking to a Hoar reporter, Warwick Conservatives’ Holder of the Chalice, Mr Spritely-Firth-Lewis, explained that hummus is “a sort of petit-caviar”.