Warwick to build second Slate instead of evicting protesters
The old one’s ruined. Let’s buy another one.
Plans for a £12 million doppelgänger of the original Slate, which is now in permanent use by free-ed-and-some-gender-issues protestors, were revealed this morning.
“The space within the Slate is now, to put it bluntly, too safe for us to enter and rehome the occupiers,” said Janine Dicklebrick, lady-in-waiting-to-the-vice-chancellor. “In an effort to allow the peaceful protest to continue, we have decided to simply build a new facility”.
Slate 2 will be built on the opposite side of the lake, giving stunning views of the campus wildlife and environment, as well as of the newly built Slate building, now titled Slate 1.
The new building will be funded partially by budget cuts to the Department of Teaching and Excellence and by the new Warwick Bonds scheme, in which students can buy £10,000 in bonds, repaying up to 0.04% interest — a 127% improvement on the current market rate.
“Without this new building, we would not be able to hold the conferences that are such a major source of income here at Warwick, and the money from them goes a long way to subsidising the teaching and research deficits across the university,” a spokesperson told us. “We hope that by giving the protestors free reign over Slate 1, they can fulfil their perpetual need for protest”.
Cam Yunism, a second year philosophy and eugenics student who is taking part in the protest, said that Slate 2 “is another example of police brutality on campus”.
When asked for a definition of police brutality, Mr Yunism fled to a nearby corn field.