2016, the final victim of 2016

As millions bustled in crowded central squares the world over to eagerly usher in the new year, 2016 is reported to have passed away peacefully in her Greenwich home.

2016, the final victim of 2016

In doing so she added one final casualty in a string of celebrity deaths that have blotted the calendar over the past year.

A spokesperson announced that she passed away “suddenly” at “00:00 AM on New Year’s Day”, yet declined to provide a cause of death, adding a request to respect the privacy of her family and friends during this “highly emotive” time.

Celebrity deaths were not the only demons to haunt the life of 2016.

A long standing friend of 2016, the Hebrew year 5776, tweeted that he is “utterly distraught” at the news this morning and that “despite the detractors, she had a good soul”.

2016 was born just over a year ago, as the 17th child of the 21st century. Her first few months of life were notably tumultuous. She courted criticism for taking the life of pop pioneer David Bowie, which marked the beginning of a celebrity killing habit that would plague her until her death — despite signs of sobriety during the autumn of her life.

Perhaps her biggest mark on posterity will be a famous bout of wanton election results passing during her middle age.

Celebrity deaths were not the only demons to haunt the life of 2016, indeed, as demons go, they are rather “middle class and tame”, to quote Leonard Cohen, whose death marked a notable relapse for 2016. Her life was further troubled by tragedies pertaining to terrorism, the natural world, and The Great British Bake Off.

Perhaps her biggest mark on posterity will be a famous bout of wanton election results passing during her middle age. She stunned the world first with a result in favour of Brexit, she postponed peace in Colombia, she nearly put a fascist in power in Austria, she rocked the vague semblance of order in Italy, primed Le Pen for power and, as her magnum opus, propelled the preposterous poltroon Trump onto the podium as president-elect. Indeed, this will likely present further issue to bear unto 2017 and her other younger siblings.

Countless celebrities were inevitably born.

In each person there is ambiguity, and for many, 2016 will be remembered affectionately. Small time xenophobes finally saw recognition and representation of their views for the first time in around a decade. Countless celebrities were inevitably born, some of whom we may see as early as the 2032 Olympic Games. The Hoar came gurgling into this world. David Attenborough, Keith Richards, Shane McGowan, and The Queen all, amazingly, did not die. Leicester City somehow won the premiership. And finally, inequality continued to agglomerate and reach new heights, which is fantastic for the global elite, who had still been reeling from the progressive tax policies of the 1950s.

12 months is a typical life span for a year

Many feel that 2016’s life was uncharacteristically, indeed, mercifully short. However, The Hoar‘s health correspondent noted 12 months is a typical life span for a year, and it only seems quicker as it is the most recent year – with time appearing relatively faster the older one gets.

A forthcoming postmortem will either substantiate or discredit rumours that her death came about as a result of a recent celebrity killing binge, triggered by the passing of Fidel Castro and latterly seeing off George Michael and Carrie Fisher, amongst others.

2016 is survived and mourned by her widower, the Islamic year 1438, and her close friend and confidante, the Hebrew year 5776. The two of whom are alleged not to be on speaking terms.