Virgin Trains ‘quietly pleased’ that someone else is ‘worse at trains’

The operator is apparently enjoying the Southern Rail fuckup.

Virgin Trains ‘quietly pleased’ that someone else is ‘worse at trains’

People at Virgin, which used to be the nation’s locomotive punch-bag, are — according to a wholly fictionalised, slightly beardy source — pissing themselves with giggles as the Southern debacle goes from bad to worse.

‘You’ve got to give our staff a pat on their backs’, the invented, bewhiskered, source told us. ‘Ten years ago, we were very nearly the absolute worst at doing trains. These days, the national standard is so low that we actually look pretty good.’

These days, Virgin’s delays are mostly mildly comical — the sort of lighthearted, animal-based pick-me-up ITV plays at the end of the news.

Southern, meanwhile offers commuters solace in the news that drivers are planning to save a few days of strike action for future use. Presumably, they’ve been reading Beardy Branson’s New Year’s resolution blog post, in which he emphasises the importance of planning.