The Hoarchive

A furious but fantastically diverse mob of students assembled outside the SU building today, asking the vice-chancellor to exit the building unarmed with his hands “where they can see ‘em” and his privilege checked, in order that the reactionaries impose their newest set of demands — among which is a Faraday Cage situated on central campus to act as the ultimate safe space for oppressed students.

A Faraday cage, according to the gathered proletariat, is the only acceptable resource that the university can provide, as its blocking capabilities include radio waves, “meanies saying nasty things”, and the inexorable collapse of absurd ideologies.

This is the lowest level of safety the protesters say they are willing to agree to — their original requests included foam padding on buildings, the mandatory use of ‘zxhe’ as the default pronoun, and the total abolition of public conversation. After a heated hostage exchange took place, this was negotiated down to the current level of demands.

Emotions are running high amongst the Warwick student body at this bold new demand. “I was in favour of this change, as oppressed communities clearly need more space”, one person told the Hoar. “But then I was told that as all electromagnetic waves are blocked, I wouldn’t be able to access Tumblr. Needless to say, this change can’t be allowed to happen!”

However, a spokesperson for a society involved in organising the protests told us, “It’s vital that the exposure to hate speech, offensive material, and a diverse range of viewpoints is limited in order to protect the most vulnerable students on campus”.

(main image via Wikimedia Commons)