The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.
This is the work of around 100 anonymous contributors in 2016 and 2017.
Here’s an excerpt from the book
We’re closing The Hoar
The Hoar: industry award winner for fake news
Boar proposes 150% increase in Warwick-themed articles by end of week 10
‘Try kale’: we tried to survive a veg shortage and demonstrated the folly of 2017
Potential sabbs despair that “there aren’t any campaign pledges left”
Pop ticket market value soars amidst global uncertainty
Newspapers ‘sternly tell off’ Independent for calling every single story breaking
Trump temporarily bans Warwick students from US
Students sell ‘valuable skin space’ to KMPG and McDonalds for promotional tattoos
Sunday recipe: buy your way to brilliance with our happy pasta!
I smug smug smugged and now I smug smug smuggle
Vice-chancellor levies avocado tax to fund new humanities building
Students call for gender equality by calling the NSS boycott a ‘personcott’
Why I won’t be completing the National Student Survey
Glove lost on campus
Contactless card clash crisis clouds campus
Campus Boris bikes ‘used for the first time ever’
13 things more fun than bachelorettes in bikinis
‘Panic’ as gory details of new EU ambassador’s childhood are revealed
Virgin Trains ‘quietly pleased’ that someone else is ‘worse at trains’
Disco Dave approached for Trump inauguration
2016, the final victim of 2016
Have a Hoary Christmas
Student kicked off U1 bus for reciting poetry
Warwick in expensive Christmas logo scandal
Warwick to build second Slate instead of evicting protesters
Articles about protesters eating hummus ‘the answer to Brexit’
Slate building actually an expensive decoy
Scientists crack the formula for comedy
Radical feminists protest outside WFFE protest protesting their exclusion from protest
WFFE prolongs occupation following hummus delivery
Girl who forgot to tweet about how much work she did implodes
Students occupy contemporary, flexible conference space
Stagecoach employee promoted after ‘stroke of genius’
Weʼre raising £1,000 to volunteer to help those in need in Ibiza
Purple found to increase human misery, study shows
Searching for a housemate to share a spacious 3rd floor library spot
Petition launched to install a fireplace in every room on campus
‘Everything is fine, everyone is OK’ claims maths department
Which seventeenth century philosopher is your degree?
Visiting academic successfully persuaded she ate dinner at ‘Flirty Fuck’
Dirty Duck closed due to flooding caused by duck rights activist
Ark readied as fears grow that 2016 may end in ‘month of rains’
Study finds ‘no one benefits’ from operation of Warwick Uni
Leamington Games Den patron ‘still hasn’t found love’
Trump ‘on edge’ after threat from Warwick sociology student
Warwick’s most eligible spatula 2016
Tributes fly in after 'worse than Harambe' murder of Warwick Goose
Warwick unmoved by French students’ fatal mannequin challenge attempt
‘Everything’ reported as being ‘just like Black Mirror’
Warwick 'somehow safe' from the spiralling disintegration of reality
Worrying increase in STEM Nazism over reading week
Dear Theodora, I’ve become a Hoar to the powers that be…
Confusion over doggy de-stress day
Sabbatical officer accidentally delivers a campaign pledge
7 things they won’t tell you about second year houses
Warwick promises ‘four new study spaces’ for 2019
Seven alternatives to the U1
University bus service ‘delayed due to opening of gates of hell’
Enthusiastic individual to begin campaign for 25 hour library
FIFA, or how to destroy a pleasant evening
Oculus opens, Sauron emerges
University to be shut down should building work cease
Clubbing: it’s shit and you shouldn’t do it
A lady for all elections: an interview with RON
Yearly influx of death reminders keeping postgrads on their toes
These are the words you need to know to Warwick
7 things about Kelseys only 2015 kids will remember
Which WHO is your WHAT?
Terrifying ‘killer clown’ article craze reaches campus
Plans announced to fortify sports centre
'Clowns' spotted in university administration buildings
University locates previously unknown green space; builds offices
Warwick socialists decry ‘cultural appropriation’ of Rootes sculpture
Fresher steals traffic cone, becomes public enemy № 1
7 invented Warwick fresher tips that will not help you to not drop out
Dear freshers…
Parents know how to make you glad they’ve gone
I finally told Donald Trump that I’m voting for my hispanic family
An ode to the irritating twat you’re going to have to live with for the next year
I’d like to talk to you about beds. Yes, beds.
Warwick Athiests investigated for radicalisation
University staff ask for ‘a little TLC’; senate delivers a fucking massive building instead
Twelve freshers momentously unite under the banner of ‘Econ Group Chat 2k16!!’
Help for graduates: your dreams are stupid, become a teacher
Warwick University named 'Jewel of Coventry'
16 things to consider before opening a student bank account
A message from the Trump Penthouse Foundation
47 orphans sacrificed in honour of Freddie Mercury
Campus security brutally enforce new ‘leavers hoodie’ laws
"There were free seats!" declares Warwick Library to SU presidential hopeful
"Shit, I got into Warwick".
Higher education commission ‘forgot to care’ about students
Warwick to 'ban protesting the ban on protesting protest bans'
To say ‘appropriation’ is appr… erm… stealing
Iceland's new Warwick graduate president vows to uphold 'Warwick Values'
WBS seizes control of UK during PM handover
Which Andre D'Ypres painting is your degree classification?
Which Smiths track is your degree classification?
Women in politics turn out to be just as shit as men
Designer of piazza steps ‘disappointed’ that they’re mostly used for drinking
Leave voters looking for new things to fuck up
Copious number of finalists pick up their hardly-earned 2:1s
Remain voters 'hoping for bad news'
Lack of wifi threatens Barry's holiday social media updates
Corbyn announces candidacy in Tory leadership race
Shock as students gain ‘deep economic insight’
10 bits of Brexit-inspired degree advice
Level-headed majority ‘seriously reconsiders’ universal suffrage
Wexit: 11% drop in value of Eating at Warwick points after university votes to leave Russell Group
Referendum called off due to fresher’s Facebook essay
‘Visionary’ suggests fitting additional library sockets during summer break
5 things to consider ahead of the EU referendum
Eliminator: a misfortunate tale of discovery and unfortune
Top racists move to back Brexit
Hoar BNOC: biggest name on Cryfield
Second year hospitalises invigilator with post-exam 'dab'
13 ways to replicate the Warwick experience in your parents’ house
Spiteful Special
A universal university?
Shock as no Warwick mens footballers make Roy Hodgson’s starting XI
Group of students despairs as mutual friend announces plans to run for SU position next year
Boar wins big at the annual Boar awards
Students forget what they used to do before exams
Warwick 2026: Panda secures eleventh term
Power make-out sessions: better than modafinil?
Is this an article?
Humanities finalists ask: “Now what?”
Sir David Attenborough confirms that he is “not planning a fucking uni tour”
Goose shot dead after first year falls into humanities pond
Top 10 things the NUS has abolished
Science student bursts into flames after not mentioning how many exams he has for 10 consecutive minutes
Warwick ‘ranks first’ in official Boar league table
Lecturer overstates difficulty of content
Warwick university’s study spaces ranked
‘Lion Motivation Day’ to follow doggy de-stress
Special: ‘I don’t like the 21st century’
Rootes Grocery Store ‘delighted’ to sell its first ever apple
Special: some contributors don’t like the SU
Students to ‘pay off national debt’
My parents never loved me, so I became a campus brand rep instead
English degree revealed to be ‘social experiment’
SU says ‘size doesn’t matter’
Bus interchange sculpture ‘a metaphor for student life at Warwick’
Outcome of all-student TTIP vote ‘shakes foundations of mathematical logic’
Brawl erupts on campus over whose degree is hardest
3.2 uncontroversial principles established at the All Student Meeting
Warwick Accommodation admits it ‘hasn’t got a clue’ where Heronbank is
Report finds that 72.8% of reported incidents reportedly go unreported
Nigel Thrift sent home from work for wearing Stuart Croft mask
PDA in learning spaces: new guidelines
Study space shortage ‘enhances student experience’
Which type of STI is your Tab article?
Insignificant finance-driven community seeks to leave largely beneficial union
Hundreds of students suddenly gain opinions on NUS
Vote called on Warwick SU’s return to feudal monarchism
The humanities guide to pretention
New Radiohead album ‘inspired by Warwick Library’
Warwick students officially ‘run out of things to talk about’
Geotrashing: a novel craze
Sexist scrawl in yet another library book
Whelks lash out at ‘disgusting’ library annotations
Library panic as books ‘embrace fascism’
Rush hour U12 ‘not as bad as waterboarding’
Mysterious illness strikes the history department ‘on essay deadline day’
257 faster ways to get to campus
Space hog arrested for historic sex crimes
De-stress at your desk: touch yourself
Warwick Lecture Capture to become Tidal exclusive
Eleventeen things you’ll only get if you are a student at Warwick Univesity
Free speech ‘discussion’ aWASH with agreement
Strange nausea in Inuvik
Library Angst Special
Take a year abroad to escape your miserable life in England
Thousands of students complete an assignment necessary for the fulfillment of their degree course
Drinking ‘probably won’t kill you’
Defending student protesters, hoarishly
An English Literature Student: To His Own Beloved Self.
Tutorial: how to own your square metre of library
I wrote my entire dissertation in three and a half minutes
Motion 314: one step forward, two steps back
Dank made me do it: NUS on whatever her name is
Time to panic: the violent wing of ‘Lavatories for Warwick’ dropped a bomb in a pigeonhole this week and they're serious about shifting our shitting system
Top 15 Revision Tips
New tax evasion shitstorm for Theodora: she’s never paid the taxman a penny, says leaked document
Poem for a coffee, Boar for a Hoar
Theodora is sad, but happy because she is important and proud
10 ways to resolve kitchen conflict (without resorting to hate crimes)
Aphorism 256 Revisited
Hoar wins award for ‘services to free speech’
SU announces it was ‘just kidding’
Hoar ‘just an angry loner’
The True Meaning of Easter
The Passion of Theodora Hoar
The Ciphered Circle
Da’esh to postpone all further attacks in response to ‘Prevent’
Shocking Survey of Warwick Students Finds ‘Morality Is Dead’
Finance students kidnap exam administrator in order to avoid exam
Getting Paid To Listen To Music We Enjoy #1/1 /// Sunday Week 10 /// Launch /// 30p Cups of Coffee
If the Copper Rooms were great, no one would go
Elect Theodora for something… anything
Mrs Clinton wins Appearance Evaluation
Libel Special
Inspirational tales of procrastinators who got incredible marks, well, given the circumstances, at least
What would Britain be without paedophile rings?
Accommodation buildings seek to ‘end it all’
WankSoc Circle Week 9 (theme: fucking togas, of course)
WBS set to purchase managing stake in Warwick Library
Hoar website hit by suspected DDoS attack
Report: 87% of seminar tutors incredibly lonely
Ode to an Empty Library Seat
Remington Spa: in conversation with the man under the hat
A rip-roaring endorsement of Terrence for Education (or whatever it is he’s running for)
School Council experience gives potential sabbs ‘an edge'
Presidential election to be repeated after all 3 candidates ‘no-platformed’
SU blocks Theodora Hoar from accessing Elections event page
‘Literally nobody gives a shit’ about SU elections, according to shocking poll
Group member finds getting full credit for assignment he contributed nothing to unfair
Students Demand ‘Faraday Cage Safe Space’
Catholic Mass: The World’s Biggest Literature Seminar
Breaking: #KoanMustFall Protesters create Campus Blockade
Letter: the bus route to serfdom
‘Absolute legend’ forces struggling single father to clean puke out of cab
Q&A: a web designer talked to us about the Boar’s new website
Introducing The Hoar Power List
5 networking tips necessary to make your distant father proud of you
Koanimanjaro: it’s ruining Warwick group chats
Drunken students become drunk, drunkenly
So You Want To Be A Divestment Banker?
Letter: A Quick Explanation of the Tab Power List
Dictatorial Review: His Supreme Excellency, ‘President’ Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz of Mauritania
In Search of the Ultimate Warwick Two
If Napoleon was still at Warwick he would almost certainly be dead
3.5 Things You Didn’t Know About the Koan Because I Just Made Them Up
How to Make Relationships Work When Only One of You is Alive
Breaking: Students in Saudi Arabia Protest for Free Speech at Warwick
In Defence of Smoking
Look at These Gleeful People Shooting Heroin for the First Time after Dry January
Confessions of a victim
Dr Strangescalp: How I learned to stop worrying and love the Thrift
Rambling and Rushed Letter from the Creators

What is this?

It’s a static archive of the Hoar website from the mid-twenty-teens (i.e. 2016 to 2017).


The original Hoar site involved a long-running server that cost a lot to run. When we shut down, we took a snapshot of the site and replaced the server with a folder of HTML files connected to the internet. More recently, browsers changed and our snapshot stopped working so well. We wrote a script to fix it, and belatedly noticed that part of what that script did was to extract all the content from the site as structured data, so configured a trendy static site generator to turn that data into a proper static site.