The Hoarchive

The announcement was received well by investors, with WBS shares rising 8% since the opening of trade this morning.

Rumours have been circulating about a Library buyout since WBS published a cryptic tweet reading ‘FIRST THE LIBRARY, THEN THE WORLD, HA HA HA’. This was removed swiftly after it was realised people actually read their social media output.

Analysts have long worried about the long term viability of the Library, citing structural inefficiencies including the continued use of printed books (a fifteenth century creation phased out since the 1990s), and the free use of working spaces and water drinking facilities. The Library has recently suffered from excessive consumer demands, including 24 hour opening times, and somewhere to sit; this has caused untold damage to its esteemed reputation, and has limited its future growth forecasts. Despite celebrating its fiftieth anniversary last year, recent performance has led many to believe that its days are numbered.

Commentators argue that the acquisition of the Library appears to be part of WBS’s wider strategy of moving away from providing an education, and instead focusing on the growing market for corporate soul selling.

During the announcement, a WBS spokesman told journalists that ‘we plan to take this well respected brand and bring it into the twenty-first century using our successful commercialisation model’.

‘We believe that Warwick University Library will be a perfect addition to our growing portfolio, as we seek to produce the next generation of portfolio managers and warlords’.

Whilst future plans for the Library have yet to be publicly revealed, inside sources suggest WBS is seeking planning permission to build an international airport on the land currently occupied by the six storey building. Other rumours include the construction of a Uranium purification facility, and the world’s largest Milton Friedman shrine. As a notoriously secretive organisation, it is unlikely WBS will release further information this tax year.