The Hoarchive

This is for the desperate and weary. This is for those whose last days of higher ed are approaching. This is for the extra-mature Cathedral Cities amongst us.

Old habits die hard, and I for one will go proudly go to my grave, never having read a book over Easter. But, as we well know, it’s never too late to claw back a 2:1.

With this in mind, you should definitely continue to waste your time by reading this list of handy revision tips that will guarantee absolute success.

1. Start thinking about starting revision early.

Early.

2. Spend ages decorating your notes

…with whatever comes to hand: Sharpies, washi tape, a bit of hoof. What your notes lack in content they will make up for in style. Fashion your pages into a tent and crawl in. Write the names of all the seminar tutors and/or lecturers you wanted to fuck on the inside of it. Make your notes into pure art.

3. Stick revision notes up everywhere, even on your dog.

Put so many sticky notes on your pooch that he begins to resemble a colourful piñata. Remember to not thwack him.

4. Don’t waste time getting undressed for the shower.

Keep wearing the same outfit for weeks on end until it becomes grafted onto your skin. Not only will this save time and leave more for studying, but at the end of the exam season you can rip off your clothes in one fell swoop. You then have yourself the added bonus of a free chemical peel and the treat of watching your now baby-soft skin grow back.

5. Much like cooking instructions, chemical equations in textbooks are merely guidelines.

Listen to your internal body clock and follow your instincts to the right answer.

6. Take a break.

But also take a break from having a break, but you can break again soon and take a break from having taken a break from a break.

7. If you’ve been revising for hours and nothing else is going in, try trepanning.

Roll your notes up into little scrolls and insert them through the circular hole in your skull.

8. Finally allow yourself to eat white bread.

This is no time for fibre.

9. Find a work/life balance by starting procrastination before 10am.

Fill your day with a static restlessness as you push back any real work until 6pm. Make time for your friends in the evening by arriving an hour before the gig finishes. Everyone has already given their updates so you’re just left to stand in silence without a chair at the back.

10. Snack heavily.

Give up on your aspiration to become an emaciated and nocturnal scholarly type. You will not be able to forgo sleep and sustenance for the pursuit of knowledge. Accept you will get fat.

11. Kiss your loved ones goodbye.

But if you’ve been revising properly you won’t have anyone left to kiss before your final exam.

12. Revise in your bed.

Sure you have the will power to refrain from napping and touching yourself.

13. Exercise.

Run away from your problems.

14. Get a friend or family member to test you.

Have them block the doorway and say they’ll only let you through if you say the magic words. Have them breathe down your neck and make snarky comments whilst you work.

15. Just chill out.

It’s not the end of the world. You still exist outside of your degree; you still have hopes and dreams that aren’t tied into getting a 2:1. Things are pretty miserable right now but just think of bacon butties, or about one day holding the hand of your eight-year-old as you both run joyously through the park. Sorry, I meant paw. Everything will be ok.