Time to panic: the violent wing of ‘Lavatories for Warwick’ dropped a bomb in a pigeonhole this week and they’re serious about shifting our shitting system
A militant wing of the little known ‘Lavatories for Warwick’ movement has today sent a message that they are deadly serious about changing the public convenience system.
The movement emerged around a year ago, to push for more privies in the Zeeman building, in order to meet increasing demand. A violent splinter group quickly hatched, calling itself ‘Irate Students for Improved Toilets’ (ISIT). This slippery organisation suggested that change would never come until more aggressive action was taken.
Students of maths were alerted to the group’s first high-profile attack by an email that noted an ‘unsavoury’ incident had taken place, in which ‘an unwanted item was placed anonymously in a student’s pigeonhole’. Analysts on YikYak were quick to infer that the unwelcome object was indeed a dropped bomb.
Sure enough, within the hour ISIT claimed responsibility, saying on their website that this was ‘only the first’ in a run of planned squeezes. The pigeonhole’s owner is believed to be a dethroned member of the faction.
The mathematics faculty has responded, “We must not give in to these tactics of fear, but instead unite against this extremist excretal group.” The faculty has placed a large order of Febreze.
There has also been outcry on social media, in a scramble to make it clear that ISIT is a minority group that does not represent or speak for the pro-porcelain masses.
A Facebook solidarity campaign was proposed, but eventually canned on the grounds that it would be insensitive for 1,000 students to superimpose a floater in the foreground of their profile pictures.