Drinking ‘probably won’t kill you’
A study released today has concluded that a couple of pints on a Thursday night are ‘unlikely’ to lead to your untimely death.
The study, published by a sub-research-sub-group-sub-group with an appallingly long acronym for a name at the University of Warwick, conceded that ‘two pints of weak lager on a week night do not equate to health-threatening alcoholism’.
A spokesperson for the research group, Mr Asa N Flush, said that the group “acknowledges the many damaging effects of alcoholism, but now feels that it is important to reinforce that — unlike contagious diseases — alcoholism is difficult to ‘catch’ from a small glass of pinot grigio.
“We would like to stress that drinking, in moderation of course, can perform a number of functions, and that there is no reason to pretend that alcohol has no place in a healthy life”.
Mr Flush continued, “Students in particular can probably afford to overindulge, if they so please. Graduation is usually a jolt in lifestyle sufficient to break habits formed at Uni, and youth can be a healer to bodily damage.
“Your future probably holds nothing more exciting than Flora, Benecol and yoghurt drinks, with evenings spent watching reality TV and drinking tea with a spouse who’s got pretty fat. It makes sense to enjoy your student years”.
As exam season nears, however, it seems that most of Warwick’s students are unlikely to risk half a shandy.
We wish them well. When their careers in corporate tax evasion go south, they’ll always be able to fall back on a Weightwatchers bagel, a heap of medicated margarine and an unsatisfactory shag.