The whirlwind shitstorm of term three has taken root. Since we’re commitmented to not flooding the page with broadly similar and loosely satirical expressions of exasperation, we’ve compiled a single volume from some of them.

1. Library to be expanded into ‘fourth dimension’ 

Harnessing the frontiers of modern physics to help middle-class pre-adults procrastinate somewhere new.

Warwick students have been bleating and whining for more study space since The Library first opened, whenever that was, but the University may finally have found a practical solution to the ‘problem’.

Research members of the Theoretical Physics Group announced yesterday that they have found a way to access the previously inaccessible forth spatial dimension, allowing the University to build study spaces in a completely different physical plane.

The news comes as the insatiable beast that is term three beats its hateful path towards us, hungry for the dreams of the weak and ill-prepared; a welcome relief for those dreading the 7am bus, as has always been the way in the past.

Not having adequate study space is one of the few things keeping me going at the moment

But not everyone is convinced. One such protestor is James Harthing, a second year Philosophy student:

“Not having adequate study space is one of the few things keeping me going at the moment; it is both a bottomless topic on which to bitch and a very good excuse to not actually do my degree. Now I will have to work for my 2:1, and I am not impressed by this move whatsoever. I blame Nigel Thrift.” When reminded that Professor Thrift is no longer in charge of anything at Warwick, James launched into a 45 minute rant about the nature of moral responsibility according to Sartre.

Scientists hope to access more of the 11 dimensions currently known to science in order to solve similar overcrowding problems across the world. But will this be enough? Will students ever stop moaning and just learn to work at home? We think not.

2. Library space hog campaign ‘no platformed’ for violating safe space policy 

The space hog campaign currently being run by Warwick library to prevent students saving, while leaving unused, coveted library seats has been no platformed for violating students’ safe space.

Students reported that the library was making their lunch breaks, water bottle re-fills, and even bathroom visits, stressful.

“Even the sound of pissing triggers me now,” said one student, “it gives me flashbacks of running back from the bathroom to my desk to avoid getting a note on my desk”

This move has been controversial due to the contentious nature of seating in the library.

Even the sound of pissing triggers me now

“It’s the left gone mad,” another student commented on a Tab article, “if I want to come into the library at midday, why should I be made to watch people who got here hours before me brandishing their seat, complete with a plug socket, in my face?”

3. Floor 3 extension to become nation state

Is it Lexit?

The Home Office has today announced that the collection of floors, walls and books that was previously Warwick Library’s Floor 3 Extension is from next week to be recognised as an independent sovereign nation, separate from Great Britain. Though this may come as a surprise to some, it follows the months of protests that followed the events of the Wolfson Research Exchange Spring.

1% of students hoarding 99% of desk space. And to do what? Research? Fuck off.

“It follows months of protests following the Wolfson Research Exchange Spring, and shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone” said Bunty Wiggins, president of Full Time Educators For The Emancipation of the Floor Three Extension, or FTEFTEFTE. The events of last spring play on Bunty’s mind often: “awful. Just awful… we tried to get in. Just to see what was going on in there, you know? There was no space anywhere else in the library, and we could see a couple of free chairs through the glass wall. We waited for someone to come along. Eventually a little Economics PhD student came along. We followed. My god… the spare seats. Hundreds of them. Thousands. 1% of students hoarding 99% of desk space. And to do what? Research? Fuck off.

“In the end we were dragged out by the police. They came in with those little paper cones they have by the water tanks. When they were done throwing unsatisfying amounts of liquid at us, they just started stabbing us with the pointy bits. Took one to the eye. It hurt a lot. That’s when we realised David Cameron wasn’t our friend.”

The Queen is believed to have viewed the space as one of the last vestiges of the British Empire.

Taking a walk around the newly liberated Extension, it isn’t hard to see why the hordes of students living there felt disenfranchised. “Look. These plug sockets still don’t work,” my guide points out. Arnold Thrift (no relation, you reactionary bugger) is Social Sec of FTEFTEFTE, and is likely to be Bunty’s Chancellor and right hand man in the new regime. “The red paper signs say they’ll be fixed as soon as possible, but they never will. Look. You can just take them off and people think they work. But they don’t”.

Children play amongst the moving shelf things, and defecate on the carpets. “No female toilets here. Might need to sort that one out soon.”

Buckingham Palace has remained quiet in the hours since the announcement, though the Queen is said to be devastated by the loss. Famously, she would holiday to the Extension in her summers, and the desk she saved with a pen and a single book from 10am every day has since been recognised as a National Heritage site. Although she hasn’t been seen galloping up the aisles recently on her famous corgis, she is believed to have viewed the space as one of the last vestiges of the British Empire.

It won’t be long before a passport will be required to cross the bridge from the main body of the library. Today though, passage is free. “Maybe,” says Bunty, as she hands me a cup of Grumpy Mule coffee as we leave “it’ll keep out the adults who have meetings in that room, who don’t seem to realise that a room full of silent students means they probably shouldn’t have conversations whilst they wait. And no, lowering your voice doesn’t help. We can still fucking hear you.”