The Hoarchive

Strangely not a WC based euphemism, #sitgate is the non-trending designation for a scandal that has emerged around a previously respected SU presidential candidate’s search for a space to study.

Over the dreary hum of the Humanities café drowning out the sharp moan of Warwick Estates’ innovative SoundSpunk 3000 noise-maker, fresh-faced nobody candidate Isiah Asimov whispers to a wobbling camera “the library is rammed full, as ever, this is the reality that many students face daily, in truth, there aren’t enough study spaces… perhaps this is a case for new facilities — saying it as though it hadn’t been the exact same policy of his rival, along with every other SU candidate ever.

Regardless, the video created something of a buzz in the lifeless corpse of Warwick summer media, leading many to assert their solidarity regarding the criminal shortage of seating for all those unwilling to do two lines of coke at 5am just to have the energy to make it there before the 7am cut off time for reasonable entrance.

Careful to protect the share the library controls in the non-lucrative management subsidised study space market, Warwick Library CEO Loadard Bentley released footage showing what could be interpreted as a free space — namely an expired space hog card, and a space held by an unconscious, and quite probably dead person hunched over the desk surrounded by the burial rites of energy drinks and pharmacology notes.

“On the floor two extension, in a back corner of the laptop-free zone, there was quite a clearly a space hog note declaring a reserved space to have been free for an entire 3 minutes and 17 seconds prior to the candidates search – clearly Asimov’s story is a farce”, an invented spokesperson told the broadly uninterested press.

Asimov’s rival in the forthcoming election, Lou Skydriver, declared “I think this is great, if anything, we need fewer study spaces and a return to good old-fashioned morality”.

Asimov was available for comment, but we didn’t ask him because we don’t like him.