Warwick University named ‘Jewel of Coventry’
A successful bid for ‘County Treasure’ has put Warwick University back on the local map.
Congratulations to Warwick University matriculants new and old, you’ve done it (or you already did it a while ago, but, yeah, good for you)!
You’re about to embark on a trip to Coventry with too much shit that you really need, excited to tread in the footsteps of many great academics, athletes, and aspiring Oxbridgers.
It brings me great pleasure to inform my fellow students of the recently won ‘County Treasure’ award! This finally puts Warwick University back on the local map after the KOANman Festival debacle of ’96, when an Education Council spy was presented as an offering to the Koan in return for a good report.
The accolade ‘County Treasure’ is good news for all of us and will surely boost tourism around the campus to levels seen at the beautiful, historical colleges in our counterpart, Coventry University.
Despite fighting for the title against places such as Shakespeare’s Shed, as well as the archeological discovery that used to be Leamington Castle, ugly step-sister to the Cinderella that is Warwick Castle, our university made it to the top.
Superintendent Mr. Dean of Warwick University said ‘we have the Koan to thank, as it has answered our prayers. Next year we will offer Him sacrifices and gifts in return for a place above Loughborough in the Complete University Guide rankings.’
When asked what made the university such a treasure, he replied with advice for this year’s guinea pigs: ‘You’ll notice Warwick University’s skyline, of which one thing in particular comes to mind; cranes. Yes, the thousands of pounds you are paying for a piece of paper that will thrust you into the ever-thriving graduate job market are being used to enhance the campus. Naturally, these cranes won’t finish building until you’ve graduated, by which point you’ll have grown weary of the hustle and bustle of ol’ Cov town and will never return. Nonetheless, exciting, isn’t it?’
He continues: ‘You’ll spend a while wondering where the grey sky ends and the bleak concrete of campus begins. On the brink of brutalist, the architecture inspires trips to the glistening, pearly streets of Leam, but remember kids, don’t go South, unless it’s for Neon or Vialli’s.’
I interviewed Alan, an 18 year old coming to Warwick to study Management. When he told me this I asked, naturally, ‘What part of France are you from?’ and with a strong, what I presumed to be Parisian accent, he replied ‘Hull.’
Alan commented on the County Treasure award and stated ‘it’s great for all of us, I feel like I’m studying in the region’s glistening capital, it’s an exciting time for everyone.’ Of course, I didn’t understand a thing, I don’t speak a word of French.
Nevertheless, our student and staff are both excited and overwhelmed by the title of ‘County Treasure’ and we look forward to another year of shite Leamington bus service, no seats in the library and the gold standard club nights of Copper Rooms.