The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

A lady for all elections: an interview with RON

The pursuit of elected SU positions is a staple of Warwick life.

A lady for all elections: an interview with RON

Turnout may be low, democratic powers limited and motives decidedly CV-biased, but it’s what we do. No one embodies the tradition quite to the same extent as RON, who thus far has run in every student election to date.

Having received her first bonafide endorsement, RON has once again become a serious contender in an SU election race. Having been lucky enough to secure an interview, we sought to uncover what could possibly motivate someone to commit so thoroughly to student elections?

1. Tell us a bit about yourself?

I’m Warwick through and through – I’ve been here longer than anyone, I’ve held more posts than anyone, and I’ve been ungraciously pushed from my democratically elected seat more than anyone else. I have an unflinching record of not attending management meetings, I’ve been on every side of the debate, and I’m not going anywhere soon.

2. God, that’s a touch intense, is it not a bit too careerist to run for everything?

Not at all, vacuous positions are an integral part of the Warwick experience.

3. Very well, what do you have going for you?

Well, I’m not a fascist.

4. Right, you’re running for an exec role with societies, what do think you’ll bring to that position?

When it comes to societies, re-opening nominations is a central tenet.

5. That may well be the case, how about welfare?

Welfare is important, I care about welfare, I propose more welfare for everyone, all the time. There should definitely be more of it and I will definitely deliver it by re-opening nominations. Well, that’s fair, no?

6. OK, how about development.

Development is important, I care about development, I propose more development for everyone, all the time. There should definitely be more of it and I will definitely deliver it by re-opening nominations. Need I develop the point further?

7. God no, I suppose I should add democracy?

Democracy is all well and good, provided no one is allowed to intervene bar the people running the election. We’re not here to change any votes, just re-open nominations

8. That’s quite enough of that. Do you worry that your hardline Libertarian stance intimidates some voters?

You’re thinking of Ron Paul.

9. Bollocks, you’re right, errm, what do you aspire to do?

Re-open nominations.

10. Right, fuck you, that’s quite enough, interview over.

No wait, have you considered re-opening nominations?

11. No one gives a fuck about your shitty candidacy, why don’t you just hurry up and take that grad post at KPMG?

Vote RON.