The Hoarchive

Entering the pub earlier today, Ducky McDuckface, an ornithology student who identifies as a duck, locked himself in the gender-neutral toilet (Insultingly, that’d be the disabled one — Ed.) where he deliberately created a flood by blocking the toilet and sink and turning on the water, before releasing two mallard ducks, a male and a female, as well as a moorhen and a Canada goose, that he had hidden inside his backpack.

He then opened the door, releasing the water and his avian comrades, who then drove all the other humans out of the pub. McDuckface then proceeded to create even more flooding using the kitchen sink, with the large mass of water in the pub eventually undermining the building’s structural integrity and causing part of the ceiling to collapse.

Campus security and the police were able to apprehend Mr McDuckface and drive off the small birds, using tasers and CS gas, but the Duck had to be closed for several hours while the resulting flood damage was repaired.

We asked Mr McDuckface what motivated him.

“I was trying to turn the Dirty Duck from a symbol of human capitalist domination that appropriates the images of ducks as part of a system that oppresses ducks and their avian allies, such as geese, turning them into either ornaments or food objects, while banning them from the premises that bears their name and perpetuating negative stereotypes about their cleanliness (or sanity and ability to reason logically, in the case of that particularly offensive ale ‘Mad Goose’), into a reclaimed safe space where ducks and their allies can live free from human capitalist oppression.

“Naturally, any safe space for ducks and allies must have water and be free from their human oppressors.”

SU President Liam Driver released a statement on the incident.

“Following today’s incident in which those who self-identify as ducks and their allies were ruthlessly restrained with excessive force by campus security and the police, while engaged in a peaceful protest, Warwick SU has been alerted to the oppression that water birds face on campus and as such we are creating the new post of water bird liberation officer, with elections for the post to take place next week.

Upon hearing of the incident, Peter Propaganda, Warwick’s director of press and policy, was sent to comment on behalf of the university’s administration.

“Anything in this article that reflects badly on the university is entirely untrue,” he said. “Water fowl are treated very fairly at Warwick. There are fewer hate crimes against ducks than at any other university, and as such this protest was entirely unnecessary and caused an obscene amount of damage.

“Furthermore, criticism of the amount of force used by campus security and the police is entirely unjustified, the police were forced to use their tasers and CS spray after a duck quacked at them in an aggressive manner. In this context, the university has been forced to get a court injunction banning all ducks from coming within five miles of campus.”

Mr Propaganda finished, “In addition to this, the Dirty Duck is entirely structurally sound and ceiling collapses are a common result of floods, allegations that the university officials ordered that particular section of the ceiling to be loosened after they heard members of Warwick For Free Education like to sit in that spot are completely unfounded.”