Pop ticket market value soars amidst global uncertainty
Secure demand in volatile times has driven traders in the online trading platform ‘Warwick Freshers 2016-2017’ into a frenzy.
As the global hegemon teeters on dictatorial decline, savvy investors are moving their money away from the once secure federal reserve T-bills, and flooding it into the imperturbable Pop bond market.
Investors cite reliable scarcity, ceaseless demand, and an unrivaled addictive playlist for the flurry in Pop derivatives trading.
Distribution prices, fixed by floor space scarcity, are centrally controlled by the market standards authority, the Student’s Union (a semi-effectual local government agency). However, they are allowed to float freely on the quasi-legal online interface Warwick Freshers 2016-2017 Offical Page (a sordid data harvesting site for ticket trading, FIFA apologies, and hapless cries for help).
It is here that their value has inflated from the humble release value of £4 to prices fluctuating in the range of “I’ll pay well above” to “£10, a jaegerbomb, my eternal gratitude and a sad handjob”. The trade is typically manifest where the spike in demand is reflected in desperate flutters of “looking for 3 Pop tickets lol #classic, PM me” and occasionally witty alternatives.
“Conditions have scarcely before been so favourable”, said David De Sceau, a long-time POP trader. “I used to just post on there for the company, but now I’m receiving unsolicited calls from Qatari men promising ‘suitcases of USD’ for ‘4 Pop tickets and a Skool Dayz’”.
The bonds typically take the form of an appreciating one-to-ten week yield-to-maturity, and cannot be guaranteed by governmental authorities against sickly drinks, aqueous kebabs, singeing hangovers and disappointing shags.
Attendance is not advised.