Potential sabbs despair that “there aren’t any campaign pledges left”
Prospective sabbs are ‘on the verge of giving up’, after news broke that all the eternal campaign pledges have been achieved.
News today that Warwick freshers will finally get a ‘week 0’ freshers’ week follows the abolition of library closing times and an investigation into university working conditions, fuelling widespread anguish amongst sabbatical candidates looking for pledges.
Amidst a student house clutter of squashed-flat scrawled-over cardboard boxes, president hopeful Seevi Philla, could be seen weeping and rocking gently at the realisation that his half-complete posters are henceforth redundant, and that his task is now to devise something, indeed anything, that is concrete, desirable and new.
“Sure I can resort to the vague shit with which the manifestos are usually bottomed out with,” sobbed Seevi, “you know, busses (fuck stagecoach —ed), houses (fuck landlords — ed), the copper rooms (fuck the geographical location of the uni — ed); but people can see right through that shit”.
“What I need is something new — otherwise my running for each and every vacuous exec vacancy and my burgeoning sycophantic network of smarmy acquaintances will have all been for nothing”.
Whilst some have been lighting the kindling in their minds to spark new ideas; a 25-hour library, individual fireplaces, an exam boycott, and a student colonisation of Canley are all front-runners; others have turned to utter despair.
“They were never meant to deliver!” wailed president-wannabe Nicky Cyst, “and so soon to the election? What rubbish can I peddle now?”.
Meanwhile, ordinary students have been forced to ask themselves, if Warwick is complete, where is my permanent state of catatonic bliss?