The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Remington Spa: in conversation with the man under the hat

It’s the morning after, so I took to Facebook and chewed the fat with Remington Spa (for real).

Remington Spa: in conversation with the man under the hat

Q: What are you wearing today?

RS: Probably a Spurs shirt for the north london derby. Unprecedented.

Q: You recently lost an election. Are you ok?

RS: Of course. It has been a great week and I far surpassed my and everybody’s expectations.

Q: On scale of 1 to 10, how panicked would you be if you accidentally won the election?

RS: About 9 and three quarters.

‘A man of the all people’.
‘A man of the people’.

Q: What advice would you give to Pilot?

RS: Talking about bringing down capitalism makes you sound like a right tool.

Q: Describe your perfect Sunday.

RS: Singing in a High Church service, then a huge Sunday roast followed by a walk in the countryside. Ideally Somerset or the Buckinghamshire Chilterns.

Q: Have you ever killed a man?

RS: Only on computer games.

Q: What brand of shampoo do you use?

RS: Head and Shoulders.

Q: If you were going for a long weekend to Paris, would you fly, take the train or go by ferry?

RS: Definitely the train. I love High Speed Trains. #buildHS2now

Q: Do you remember Bowater?

RS: Yes, he became my mate actually. Was a good guy, an incredible drinker but my campaign was better imo.

Q: Marmite or Coldplay?

RS: Marmite is better on toast.

Lettuce an annual plant of the daisy family, most often grown as a leaf vegetable.
Lettuce an annual plant of the daisy family, most often grown as a leaf vegetable.

Q: Do you eat lettuce?

RS: Yes, usually in salad or with my free election week Bread Oven baguette (which I will miss so much next week).

Q: What’s you favourite campus toilet?

RS: I’ve thought long and hard about this. Probably in the Avon building upstairs.

Q: Have you ever read the Beano?

RS: Yes. I absolutely hated the Calamity James series. It frightened me.

Q: Imagine everything you own had to be one colour. Name three colours you would not choose.

RS: Brown, black and pink.

Q: Could you sing me a song?

RS: I sing in the big church in Leamington every Sunday… see you there?

Q: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done with a 6-cup cafetiere?

RS: Probably tried to mash a potato. Mum wasn’t pleased.

Q: Think about carrots. Now name a Brazilian politician.

RS: Lula da Orange… I guess I meant da Silva. He was arrested yesterday I think.

How long was the carrot?
How long was the carrot?

Q: Coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine. Gotta gotta be down because I want it all. It started out with a kiss. How did it end up like this?

RS: Pilot became president.

Q: How do you pronounce ‘goodbye’?

RS: “see ya la’r m8”

Auf wiedersehen.