Sunday recipe: buy your way to brilliance with our happy pasta!
“Help!” I hear you scream. “I’m still fat and it’s nearly February!”
Oh dear, what a sorry state of affairs. How did you let it get this bad? What will everybody think if you, youthful and pure, disrobe during that reading-week mini-break to Fiji and reveal nothing more sexually stimulating than a mass of pudgy, pasty, vaguely over-fattened flesh?
I’ll tell you what’ll happen: you’ll be a failure and a misery; an embarrassment to all who have met you. Your significant other will leave you for a toned and perma-tanned normal Insta-person, and you’ll be too consumed by guilt and self-consciousness to remove so much as a sock on the beach.
Don’t let that happen: buy a gym membership, buy aggressively branded protein-heavy pseudo-food, and buy expensive but not-too-nourishing foodstuffs. Buy your way to happiness.
Let’s get the ball rolling with a sweet little adorable recipe, which you can follow easily in a kitchen at minimal expense, and which will — hopefully! — prevent you from becoming any more of an obese freak!
Happy Winter Pasta-style Happiness Bake!
- 40g penne (other varieties of pasta will not work)
- 6 avocados (unripe)
- 1 largely small onion
- 2 tubs of hummus (homemade only)
- a small fillet steak
- 2 slices of bread (gluten free is better)
- half a Mr Kipling Battenberg cake
- 4mg salt (less if you prefer)
- 2 more avocados
- tawny port, to taste
- gin, 700ml, optional
- Begin with an onion.
- Slice thickly and boil in a little port.
- Empty the Battenberg into a small roasting tray, and dot gently with approximately half the avocados, peeled but not stoned.
- Bake in a medium-low-high oven for 1 to 3 hours, or until partially melted and the colour of an elderly golden retriever that’s been dyed a slightly darker shade of pale.
- Set aside to warm up.
- Return to the onion and port mixture. Remove from the heat and discard.
- In a new pan, gently warm the hummus with the fillet steak. For the best results, whisper honeyed compliments whilst doing this.
- Place the slices of bread in a toaster.
- Using a knife, apply your preferred quantity of butter to one side of each piece of toasted bread.
- Eat, in order to remedy your hunger.
- Reacquaint yourself with the hummus and steak mixture.
- When done, pour gently over the partially-melted Battenberg cake.
- Salt vigorously, with a calm hand.
- Dress with a little more port (I sometimes like to substitute gin).
- Bake softly at an extremely reasonably warm temperature for 5 to 2 minutes, then for another 3 hours.
- Remove from oven and garnish with the remaining avocado stones.
- Place the penne into a small ziplock bag and crush with a rolling pin.
- I like to pour the remainder of the gin into a measuring jug to serve.