The Hoarchive

Oh dear, what a sorry state of affairs. How did you let it get this bad? What will everybody think if you, youthful and pure, disrobe during that reading-week mini-break to Fiji and reveal nothing more sexually stimulating than a mass of pudgy, pasty, vaguely over-fattened flesh?

I’ll tell you what’ll happen: you’ll be a failure and a misery; an embarrassment to all who have met you. Your significant other will leave you for a toned and perma-tanned normal Insta-person, and you’ll be too consumed by guilt and self-consciousness to remove so much as a sock on the beach.

Don’t let that happen: buy a gym membership, buy aggressively branded protein-heavy pseudo-food, and buy expensive but not-too-nourishing foodstuffs. Buy your way to happiness.

Let’s get the ball rolling with a sweet little adorable recipe, which you can follow easily in a kitchen at minimal expense, and which will — hopefully! — prevent you from becoming any more of an obese freak!

Happy Winter Pasta-style Happiness Bake!

• 40g penne (other varieties of pasta will not work)
• 6 avocados (unripe)
• 1 largely small onion
• 2 tubs of hummus (homemade only)
• a small fillet steak
• 2 slices of bread (gluten free is better)
• half a Mr Kipling Battenberg cake
• 4mg salt (less if you prefer)
• 2 more avocados
• tawny port, to taste
• butter
• gin, 700ml, optional

1. Begin with an onion.
2. Slice thickly and boil in a little port.
3. Empty the Battenberg into a small roasting tray, and dot gently with approximately half the avocados, peeled but not stoned.
4. Bake in a medium-low-high oven for 1 to 3 hours, or until partially melted and the colour of an elderly golden retriever that’s been dyed a slightly darker shade of pale.
5. Set aside to warm up.
6. Return to the onion and port mixture. Remove from the heat and discard.
7. In a new pan, gently warm the hummus with the fillet steak. For the best results, whisper honeyed compliments whilst doing this.
8. Place the slices of bread in a toaster.
9. Toast.
10. Using a knife, apply your preferred quantity of butter to one side of each piece of toasted bread.
11. Eat, in order to remedy your hunger.
12. Reacquaint yourself with the hummus and steak mixture.
13. When done, pour gently over the partially-melted Battenberg cake.
14. Salt vigorously, with a calm hand.
15. Dress with a little more port (I sometimes like to substitute gin).
16. Bake softly at an extremely reasonably warm temperature for 5 to 2 minutes, then for another 3 hours.
17. Remove from oven and garnish with the remaining avocado stones.
18. Place the penne into a small ziplock bag and crush with a rolling pin.
19. Sprinkle.
20. I like to pour the remainder of the gin into a measuring jug to serve.