The Hoarchive

Campus is abuzz with debate, with delight, and with dazzling optimism as we, the lucky electorate, get to choose which of our quixotic supermen (can women run in these elections? There don’t seem to be any currently holding positions? — ed) we wish to appoint to be our benevolent overseers. Yet, like a balloon eyed chubby child at a calorie decked buffet, it’s easy to find oneself startled, indeed, shocked, by the weight of choosing which superstar we wish our ballot to back.

Obviously, the beauty of campus democracy is that you can choose whoever you want. Hence I’m not telling you whose box you should tick. But instead I wish only to spread the good news. The good news is Terrence.

Terrence is driven by education — it might be his slogan, but it’s evidently true. This inexorable drive is manifest in his innovate array of policies. I’ll run you through a couple now.

Firstly, a 24/7 library. Did you get that? Twenty-four fucking Seven. A library that is open day and night. Haven’t finished that essay due tomorrow? Scared of the sun? Rabid insomniac? Can’t be bothered to go to Uni House? Wanted by Interpol? Nostalgic for the exam period last summer?  Worry not, your qualms will cease — peace you will find in the coming of your saviour. I can’t believe no one has thought of this before, it’s fucking genius. If he doesn’t make it, I hope whoever runs next year will readopt Terrence’s pet project, it’s a real winner.

Next up, a career module. Sometimes I forget what university is really about, getting a job! Why waste time on academic attainment, are KPMG really going to care whether or not you got the gist of Heidegger’s ontology? No, they’re going to want to know that you can write a CV, and fit in line at the desk factory. Why else do we pay £9k a year but for a piece of paper that says “my upbringing was sufficiently middle class to allow me to blend into the office furniture”. I say our man Terrence doesn’t go far enough — let’s bulldoze the humanities building. Let’s create an entire faculty devoted to career studies. Let’s stop with this pretension that university is about developing your critical, academic, and social faculties. Let’s get a fresh cohort of Careerology, Career Science, and Career Studies undergrads. Let’s pin our CVs to our faces, hold hands (cancel that, no solidarity) and embrace this brave neoliberal paradigm. Let Terrence usher us into this new epoch.

Finally, better feedback — the silver bullet in this juggernaut campaign. When you thought Terrence couldn’t possibly pull more tricks from his sleeve, out pops this diamond in the rough.  Picture this; the world under Terrence — not only do we continue to get feedback on our assessments, but we get better feedback too. Imagine that! Just think what you could gain from forcing the bleary eyed and beleaguered post-grad tutor (ending post-grad exploitation being another flash of genius by this academic demigod) put in extra hours to further annotate the egregious essay you shat out in a hungover blur.

Terrence truly is a rose amongst a bed of weeds. Under Terrence, the future is bright. Now you’ve heard the news, I don’t really know why anyone would decide to vote differently. Terrence for education! Terrence for president! Fuck it, Terrence for prime-minister.

(Main image: Terrence Yuen for Education Officer; Others: Wikimedia Commons)