Study finds ‘no one benefits’ from operation of Warwick Uni
Employees have no job security. Graduates have no jobs. Locals are buried in empty beer cans.
A highly scientific science study published this morning has revealed that Warwick Uni is fundamentally a bad thing for everyone involved.
“All the people who work at Warwick are paid peanuts and get fired every couple of weeks,” Ray J Ganst Von Machine, author of the study, said in an interview with the Hoar. “Warwick has good graduate prospects by national standards, but given the whole £9,000 thing, it’s still pretty shit.”
Local people, ‘local residents’ as their local papers like to call them, are outspoken in their violent hatred for the university and its students.
“They think they’re clever cunts,” said Mr Smith, 67-year-old landlord of the King George, Canley. “Canley used to be an old-fashioned English suburb, where casual racism and misogyny were popular. To be fair, it still is. We don’t get many students. I still hate the fuckers.”
Commentators have suggested that, in light of the sad revelations presented in the study, the university should be closed and its buildings transformed into public libraries, refugee hostages and affordable housing.
The wealthy corporate donors who ‘pretty much run the show’, however, have barred such a move, explaining that it would ‘unacceptably unjust’ to stop exploiting everybody within a five mile radius of the Koan.