The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

This is the work of around 100 anonymous contributors in 2016 and 2017.

Here’s an excerpt from the book

We’re closing The Hoar

The Hoar: industry award winner for fake news

Boar proposes 150% increase in Warwick-themed articles by end of week 10

‘Try kale’: we tried to survive a veg shortage and demonstrated the folly of 2017

Potential sabbs despair that “there aren’t any campaign pledges left”

Pop ticket market value soars amidst global uncertainty

Newspapers ‘sternly tell off’ Independent for calling every single story breaking

Trump temporarily bans Warwick students from US

Students sell ‘valuable skin space’ to KMPG and McDonalds for promotional tattoos

Sunday recipe: buy your way to brilliance with our happy pasta!

I smug smug smugged and now I smug smug smuggle

Vice-chancellor levies avocado tax to fund new humanities building

Students call for gender equality by calling the NSS boycott a ‘personcott’

Why I won’t be completing the National Student Survey

Glove lost on campus

Contactless card clash crisis clouds campus

Campus Boris bikes ‘used for the first time ever’

13 things more fun than bachelorettes in bikinis

‘Panic’ as gory details of new EU ambassador’s childhood are revealed

Virgin Trains ‘quietly pleased’ that someone else is ‘worse at trains’

Disco Dave approached for Trump inauguration

2016, the final victim of 2016

Have a Hoary Christmas

Student kicked off U1 bus for reciting poetry

Warwick in expensive Christmas logo scandal

Warwick to build second Slate instead of evicting protesters

Articles about protesters eating hummus ‘the answer to Brexit’

Slate building actually an expensive decoy

Scientists crack the formula for comedy

Radical feminists protest outside WFFE protest protesting their exclusion from protest

WFFE prolongs occupation following hummus delivery

Girl who forgot to tweet about how much work she did implodes

Students occupy contemporary, flexible conference space

Stagecoach employee promoted after ‘stroke of genius’

Weʼre raising £1,000 to volunteer to help those in need in Ibiza

Purple found to increase human misery, study shows

Searching for a housemate to share a spacious 3rd floor library spot

Petition launched to install a fireplace in every room on campus

‘Everything is fine, everyone is OK’ claims maths department

Which seventeenth century philosopher is your degree?

Visiting academic successfully persuaded she ate dinner at ‘Flirty Fuck’

Dirty Duck closed due to flooding caused by duck rights activist

Ark readied as fears grow that 2016 may end in ‘month of rains’

Study finds ‘no one benefits’ from operation of Warwick Uni

Leamington Games Den patron ‘still hasn’t found love’

Trump ‘on edge’ after threat from Warwick sociology student

Warwick’s most eligible spatula 2016

Tributes fly in after ‘worse than Harambe’ murder of Warwick Goose

Warwick unmoved by French students’ fatal mannequin challenge attempt

‘Everything’ reportedly ‘just like Black Mirror’

Warwick ‘somehow safe’ from the spiralling disintegration of reality

Worrying increase in STEM Nazism over reading week

Dear Theodora, I’ve become a Hoar to the powers that be…

Confusion over doggy de-stress day

Sabbatical officer accidentally delivers a campaign pledge

7 things they won’t tell you about second year houses

Warwick promises ‘four new study spaces’ for 2019

Seven alternatives to the U1

University bus service ‘delayed due to opening of gates of hell’

Enthusiastic individual to begin campaign for 25 hour library

FIFA, or how to destroy a pleasant evening

Oculus opens, Sauron emerges

University to be shut down should building work cease

Clubbing: it’s shit and you shouldn’t do it

A lady for all elections: an interview with RON

Yearly influx of death reminders keeping postgrads on their toes

These are the words you need to know to Warwick

7 things about Kelseys only 2015 kids will remember

Which WHO is your WHAT?

Terrifying ‘killer clown’ article craze reaches campus

Plans announced to fortify sports centre

‘Clowns’ spotted in university administration buildings

University locates previously unknown green space; builds offices

Warwick socialists decry ‘cultural appropriation’ of Rootes sculpture

Fresher steals traffic cone, becomes public enemy № 1

7 invented Warwick fresher tips that will not help you to not drop out

Dear freshers…

Parents know how to make you glad they’ve gone

I finally told Donald Trump that I’m voting for my hispanic family

An ode to the irritating twat you’re going to have to live with for the next year

I’d like to talk to you about beds. Yes, beds.

Warwick Athiests investigated for radicalisation

University staff ask for ‘a little TLC’; senate delivers a fucking massive building instead

Twelve freshers momentously unite under the banner of ‘Econ Group Chat 2k16!!’

Help for graduates: your dreams are stupid, become a teacher

Warwick University named ‘Jewel of Coventry’

16 things to consider before opening a student bank account

A message from the Trump Penthouse Foundation

47 orphans sacrificed in honour of Freddie Mercury

Campus security brutally enforce new ‘leavers hoodie’ laws

“There were free seats!” declares Warwick Library to SU presidential hopeful

“Shit, I got into Warwick”.

Higher education commission ‘forgot to care’ about students

Warwick to ‘ban protesting the ban on protesting protest bans’

To say ‘appropriation’ is appr… erm… stealing

Iceland’s new Warwick graduate president vows to uphold ‘Warwick Values’

WBS seizes control of UK during PM handover

Which Andre D’Ypres painting is your degree classification?

Which Smiths track is your degree classification?

Women in politics turn out to be just as shit as men

Designer of piazza steps ‘disappointed’ that they’re mostly used for drinking

Leave voters looking for new things to fuck up

Copious number of finalists pick up their hardly-earned 2:1s

Remain voters ‘hoping for bad news’

Lack of wifi threatens Barry’s holiday social media updates

Corbyn announces candidacy in Tory leadership race

Shock as students gain ‘deep economic insight’

10 bits of Brexit-inspired degree advice

Level-headed majority ‘seriously reconsiders’ universal suffrage

Wexit: 11% drop in value of Eating at Warwick points after university votes to leave Russell Group

Referendum called off due to fresher’s Facebook essay

‘Visionary’ suggests fitting additional library sockets during summer break

5 things to consider ahead of the EU referendum

Eliminator: a misfortunate tale of discovery and unfortune

Top racists move to back Brexit

Hoar BNOC: biggest name on Cryfield

Second year hospitalises invigilator with post-exam ‘dab’

13 ways to replicate the Warwick experience in your parents’ house

Spiteful Special

A universal university?

Shock as no Warwick mens footballers make Roy Hodgson’s starting XI

Group of students despairs as mutual friend announces plans to run for SU position next year

Boar wins big at the annual Boar awards

Students forget what they used to do before exams

Warwick 2026: Panda secures eleventh term

Power make-out sessions: better than modafinil?

Is this an article?

Humanities finalists ask: “Now what?”

Sir David Attenborough confirms that he is “not planning a fucking uni tour”

Goose shot dead after first year falls into humanities pond

Top 10 things the NUS has abolished

Science student bursts into flames after not mentioning how many exams he has for 10 consecutive minutes

Warwick ‘ranks first’ in official Boar league table

Lecturer overstates difficulty of content

Warwick university’s study spaces ranked

‘Lion Motivation Day’ to follow doggy de-stress

Special: ‘I don’t like the 21st century’

Rootes Grocery Store ‘delighted’ to sell its first ever apple

Special: some contributors don’t like the SU

Students to ‘pay off national debt’

My parents never loved me, so I became a campus brand rep instead

English degree revealed to be ‘social experiment’

SU says ‘size doesn’t matter’

Bus interchange sculpture ‘a metaphor for student life at Warwick’

Outcome of all-student TTIP vote ‘shakes foundations of mathematical logic’

Brawl erupts on campus over whose degree is hardest

3.2 uncontroversial principles established at the All Student Meeting

Warwick Accommodation admits it ‘hasn’t got a clue’ where Heronbank is

Report finds that 72.8% of reported incidents reportedly go unreported

Nigel Thrift sent home from work for wearing Stuart Croft mask

PDA in learning spaces: new guidelines

Study space shortage ‘enhances student experience’

Which type of STI is your Tab article?

Insignificant finance-driven community seeks to leave largely beneficial union

Hundreds of students suddenly gain opinions on NUS

Vote called on Warwick SU’s return to feudal monarchism

The humanities guide to pretention

New Radiohead album ‘inspired by Warwick Library’

Warwick students officially ‘run out of things to talk about’

Geotrashing: a novel craze

Sexist scrawl in yet another library book

Whelks lash out at ‘disgusting’ library annotations

Library panic as books ‘embrace fascism’

Rush hour U12 ‘not as bad as waterboarding’

Mysterious illness strikes the history department ‘on essay deadline day’

257 faster ways to get to campus

Space hog arrested for historic sex crimes

De-stress at your desk: touch yourself

Warwick Lecture Capture to become Tidal exclusive

Eleventeen things you’ll only get if you are a student at Warwick Univesity

Free speech ‘discussion’ aWASH with agreement

Strange nausea in Inuvik

Library Angst Special

Take a year abroad to escape your miserable life in England

Thousands of students complete an assignment necessary for the fulfillment of their degree course

Drinking ‘probably won’t kill you’

Defending student protesters, hoarishly

An English Literature Student: To His Own Beloved Self.

Tutorial: how to own your square metre of library

I wrote my entire dissertation in three and a half minutes

Motion 314: one step forward, two steps back

Dank made me do it: NUS on whatever her name is

Time to panic: the violent wing of ‘Lavatories for Warwick’ dropped a bomb in a pigeonhole this week and they’re serious about shifting our shitting system

Top 15 Revision Tips

New tax evasion shitstorm for Theodora: she’s never paid the taxman a penny, says leaked document

Poem for a coffee, Boar for a Hoar

Theodora is sad, but happy because she is important and proud

10 ways to resolve kitchen conflict (without resorting to hate crimes)

Aphorism 256 Revisited

Hoar wins award for ‘services to free speech’

SU announces it was ‘just kidding’

Hoar ‘just an angry loner’

The True Meaning of Easter

The Passion of Theodora Hoar

The Ciphered Circle

Da’esh to postpone all further attacks in response to ‘Prevent’

Shocking Survey of Warwick Students Finds ‘Morality Is Dead’

Finance students kidnap exam administrator in order to avoid exam

Getting Paid To Listen To Music We Enjoy #1/1 /// Sunday Week 10 /// Launch /// 30p Cups of Coffee

If the Copper Rooms were great, no one would go

Elect Theodora for something… anything

Warwick

Mrs Clinton wins Appearance Evaluation

Libel Special

Inspirational tales of procrastinators who got incredible marks, well, given the circumstances, at least

What would Britain be without paedophile rings?

Accommodation buildings seek to ‘end it all’

WankSoc Circle Week 9 (theme: fucking togas, of course)

WBS set to purchase managing stake in Warwick Library

Hoar website hit by suspected DDoS attack

Report: 87% of seminar tutors incredibly lonely

Ode to an Empty Library Seat

Remington Spa: in conversation with the man under the hat

A rip-roaring endorsement of Terrence for Education (or whatever it is he’s running for)

School Council experience gives potential sabbs ‘an edge’

Presidential election to be repeated after all 3 candidates ‘no-platformed’

SU blocks Theodora Hoar from accessing Elections event page

‘Literally nobody gives a shit’ about SU elections, according to shocking poll

Group member finds getting full credit for assignment he contributed nothing to unfair

#KoanProbablyShouldntFall

Students Demand ‘Faraday Cage Safe Space’

Catholic Mass: The World’s Biggest Literature Seminar

Breaking: #KoanMustFall Protesters create Campus Blockade

Letter: the bus route to serfdom

#KoanMustFall

‘Absolute legend’ forces struggling single father to clean puke out of cab

Q&A: a web designer talked to us about the Boar’s new website

Introducing The Hoar Power List

5 networking tips necessary to make your distant father proud of you

Koanimanjaro: it’s ruining Warwick group chats

Drunken students become drunk, drunkenly

So You Want To Be A Divestment Banker?

Letter: A Quick Explanation of the Tab Power List

Dictatorial Review: His Supreme Excellency, ‘President’ Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz of Mauritania

In Search of the Ultimate Warwick Two

If Napoleon was still at Warwick he would almost certainly be dead

3.5 Things You Didn’t Know About the Koan Because I Just Made Them Up

How to Make Relationships Work When Only One of You is Alive

Breaking: Students in Saudi Arabia Protest for Free Speech at Warwick

In Defence of Smoking

Look at These Gleeful People Shooting Heroin for the First Time after Dry January

Confessions of a victim

Dr Strangescalp: How I learned to stop worrying and love the Thrift

Rambling and Rushed Letter from the Creators

What is this?

It’s a static archive of the Hoar website from the mid-twenty-teens (i.e. 2016 to 2017).

Static?

The original Hoar site involved a long-running server that cost a lot to run. When we shut down, we took a snapshot of the site and replaced the server with a folder of HTML files connected to the internet. More recently, browsers changed and our snapshot stopped working so well. We wrote a script to fix it, and belatedly noticed that part of what that script did was to extract all the content from the site as structured data, so configured a trendy static site generator to turn that data into a proper static site.